It was going to be near-impossible for any sports story compete in absurdity this week. After all, we’re gripped watching whether rescuers can find a submersible lost near the Titanic. A submersible we learned was jury-rigged together, without safety measures, controlled with a PS3 controller, and guided by text message.

**GLASS BREAKS**

BAH GAWD ... THAT’S STEPHEN F. AUSTIN’S MUSIC!

The meat and potatoes of the SFA Bowling Affair Scandal are pretty simple:

• Amber Lemke is the head coach of SFA’s women’s bowling team
• She hired her husband, Steve Lemke to work with her as an assistant coach
• Steve had a consensual extra-marital affair with a bowler on the team
• Amber found the text messages
• Steve was fired for breach of ethics

At this point we’re only talking about a dude being a dirtbag. Not much of a story, really. Then came his quotes. The Nacogdoches Daily Sentinel tracked down Steve to ask him about the affair, which he responded with a series of comments about his affair that are so utterly mind-boggling it’s as if the former bowling coach was being played by Tim Robinson in a sketch.

“I knew it was kind of a no-no, but there’s not a rule saying it can’t happen. There’s not a law saying I’m going to go to jail for doing something like this. There’s nothing in stone. I guess it’s just an ethics code, like we frown upon it, but there’s no rule, there’s no law broken.”

It should be noted before we continue that Amber Lemke declined to comment on the story. Okay, now we’ve gotten that out of the way — let’s get back to Steve burying himself more, this time when asked about the text messages he received.

“It didn’t have anything in detail. It was just about how amazing I am, basically, in general perspective. Amber saw that and questioned me, and I got to the point where it just built up so much that I basically told her the truth after she dug through my phone.”

My dude. My dude. You’re really going to play the “these texts were about how awesome I am” card? Bold move. Don’t worry, because he kept going.

“I was the stay-at-home dad for five years with the kids while Amber got to go off and coach the team, and when she’d get back, I’d run practices on top of taking care of the kids while she was back,” Steve Lemke said. “When they’d travel again, I would sit back and take care of the kids. Then when I got hired on, she almost forced me to run practices. I was a volunteer the entire time before that trying to help out Amber. Once I got hired on, one thing stemmed from another. I felt like I was doing too much for what I was being valued at.”

Hold up a second. You mean to tell me that you felt pressured into having an affair because, sorry, let me just check my notes ...

YOUR WIFE WAS THE SOLE BREAD-WINNER IN YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES WERE TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND BOWLING!

Don’t get me wrong, I know this pressure directly. My wife was in the middle of getting her PhD when our daughter was born. For five years I was more or less the stay-at-home dad, because my wife was DEEP in finishing a doctorate. I was also working a full-time job, and didn’t get bitter. Also my full-time job wasn’t going bowling.

I don’t think we’ve ever seen a story like this where the party who was in the wrong didn’t recoil in shame, but instead doubled-down on “hell yeah, I should have cheated on my wife!”

Amber remains the head coach of SFA’s National Championship-winning women’s bowling team. Steve is no longer with the team, and the player he had the affair with has finished her NCAA eligibility.